FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, I woke up at a strangers house after a long night of drinking. Before leaving, I decided to steal some mouthwash so I didn't smell like a liquor store. Thinking of the night before, I instinctively downed the Listerine like a shot and puked everywhere. FML

by jagerbombs / 12/30/2009 at 2:08pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

by Normal / 12/12/2009 at 11:39pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

by CH / 12/07/2009 at 1:06am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They all stood around laughing and taking pictures before they helped me. FML

by PaperInfection / 11/23/2009 at 11:19am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

by anonymous / 11/22/2009 at 3:23pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

by pchis4ever / 11/20/2009 at 1:30pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

by ggbhghggg / 11/18/2009 at 6:04pm / United States (Missouri) / Transportation

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

by loldick / 11/15/2009 at 1:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I was really depressed so I talked on the phone with my best friend. She was telling me how a guy she really liked complimented her. I told her it was be nice to get at least one compliment. After a long silence she says, "You're really good with computers." FML

by Ugh / 11/15/2009 at 12:55pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

by Molly / 11/14/2009 at 2:48pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a rejection letter from a company I interviewed with three weeks ago. They didn't mention giving my $200 portfolio back. Guess I'll keep using my 4-year degree to wait tables. FML

by blargggggg / 11/10/2009 at 1:20am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I got a new job. I'm 26 and I left an amazing job to move back to be around my family. I have no choice but to take this job. I will be placing my finger in a dead turkeys ass, cutting open its stomach, and ripping out its guts. 15 per minute. FML

by Anonymous / 11/07/2009 at 3:04am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a police officer come to my house because I've been reported missing. My friends online decided to call the police because I haven't signed in for 6 days. FML

by iheartvodka / 11/07/2009 at 1:55am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous