FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, I overheard my boyfriend and his friends talking in the next room. I smiled when my boyfriend called me beautiful, only to hear his friend laugh and say, "C'mon, dude. She has fat ankles and smells like deli meat." FML

by sausagefingers / 10/22/2012 at 1:29am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML

by Anonymous / 10/16/2012 at 12:48am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I learned I'm not allergic to gluten. My mom has kept me on a gluten free diet since I was 5. She was convinced I was allergic to it. I'm 25 and I am writing this over my first slice of pizza in 20 years. FML

by Emma / 09/04/2012 at 5:38pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I was training a new girl at work. We're always told to find "common interests" with the people we are training to make it less awkward for them. Little did I know that our "common interest" would turn out to be my boyfriend. FML

by damnit. / 08/26/2012 at 11:13pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

by joleezad5 / 07/31/2012 at 10:49pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, after having taken hormone tablets to try to increase my cup size, I realized that I've basically reversed my menopause. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2012 at 3:25pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML

by zombieguyswife / 06/28/2012 at 7:44pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

by MeanMother / 06/28/2012 at 4:29pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

by Coffee Boy / 06/23/2012 at 12:55am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2012 at 9:10pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

by Jason199615 / 04/17/2012 at 2:11pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

by Chris / 04/04/2012 at 10:50pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

by JC / 03/26/2012 at 4:56pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy