FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2016 at 12:58pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, as a student reporter for our college newspaper, I interviewed the president of my university. I was surprised to get an interview with him, and because of my nerves, as soon as I walked into his office I tripped over my own feet and fell face first into the ground. FML

by texasrose921 / 02/18/2016 at 11:51pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my husband if he could at least try to give me an orgasm. His response? "Um... why?" FML

by not satisfied / 02/11/2016 at 12:06pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I got a new roommate. He's from Mongolia. He has had 5 friends over for the last 7 hours, all speaking Mongolian. This is the most awkward party I have ever been to. FML

by Sittinginthecorner / 01/20/2016 at 12:42am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried dying my hair blonde. I put my hair in a bun and waited for it to dye. I guess I did something wrong, because my hair is now 4 different shades of blonde/orange, along with patches of my natural black hair. FML

by shitberries / 12/25/2015 at 11:00am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, after quitting my job to take a very attractive position with a competitor, I was told the position was no longer being offered. I'm now on my way to file for unemployment. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2015 at 5:19am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I was showing my 4 year old some of my fire magic tricks. I ended up getting 2nd degree burns on my left hand and burnt off half of her hair. FML

by 117halo12345 / 12/17/2015 at 4:37pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, I realized why "Stay off the grass" signs were all over campus. I cut through the grass on my way to my next class and tripped over a sprinkler head, breaking it off and soaking myself in muddy water. I had to sit through a 4-hour lecture with wet, muddy clothes. FML

by clumsy / 11/26/2015 at 12:35am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2015 at 6:22pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 3a.m. to get ready for a "fun work retreat". After driving 2 hours to the site, I find that nobody is there. After about half an hour standing there freezing, I get an email from my boss, telling me that "It's canceled due to bad weather". FML

by SamAaron502 / 10/29/2015 at 6:16am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I was making a homemade pizza for myself. I've been unhappy lately, so I arranged the pepperoni in the shape of a smiley face to cheer myself up. The pizza burned. FML

by welp / 10/28/2015 at 12:11am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML

by Guy / 10/17/2015 at 2:23pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my cousin's house. I left my bag on the couch as my aunt instructed, only for my cousin to take it and throw it into the swimming pool. My laptop, textbooks and notes were soaked. My exam is in a week, and my aunt won't punish her perfect little angel. FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2015 at 9:21am / United States (Missouri) / Kids