FMLs submitted from Minnesota

Today, when I woke up, one half of my face was smooth and clear and the other half looked as if I got slapped by the Hand of Puberty itself. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2015 at 1:47pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

by Anonymous / 08/21/2015 at 3:02pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy asked me out on Facebook, then called me a conceited bitch when I said no. I don't know, dude; maybe it's just that I already have a boyfriend, that you asked me out on Facebook, and that you posted the same message on 4 other girls' walls as well. FML

by sonice / 08/17/2015 at 11:39pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my local USPS delivery man refused to deliver any more packages to my house, because in the past, my dogs have barked at him and he feels threatened. He also filed a complaint about our house because apparently my driveway has branches that, to him, are considered "hazardous." FML

by 18emikot / 08/03/2015 at 11:26pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

by actionboy116 / 07/21/2015 at 2:05am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, my boyfriend's brother and fiancé decided to preach to me about how I need to read the Bible because I'm agnostic. I'd be fine if it wasn't coming from two 19-year-olds who dated for 5 months, got pregnant, got engaged, lost the baby, and still wanna get married, "so they don't look bad." FML

by ZiggyTink / 07/08/2015 at 11:24pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

by Anonymous / 06/30/2015 at 3:51am / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, as my mom was getting ready for a date, I told her that I think it's too early for her to date, since she divorced my dad only a week ago. She then said, "Don't worry, I'm only in it for sex." FML

by Anonymous / 06/23/2015 at 2:05pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML

by nerderer / 06/04/2015 at 10:17pm / United States (Minnesota) / Animals

Today, I got engaged. When I called my father, who is out of state for a few days, to tell him, his response was, "What'd you do that for?" FML

by jessiebear159 / 05/28/2015 at 3:04am / United States (Minnesota) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my brother and I had a long argument. He believes wholeheartedly that pineapples are not actually fruits, but berries. When I showed him a google search, he accused me of "faking" it. FML

by Anon / 05/15/2015 at 9:58am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

by nerderer / 04/30/2015 at 2:48pm / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

by Sarah / 04/09/2015 at 4:24pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love