FMLs submitted from Michigan

Today, I was trying to show my family a cool website. Unfortunately my porn instincts kicked in and I started typing the URL of my favorite porn site. I couldn't stop myself before it autocompleted. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2014 at 5:38pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my girlfriend and all of our friends have begun referring to the time I was meant to lose my virginity, but couldn't get hard, as the "cheese stick incident." They all think it's hilarious, and the worst part is that it's actually a pretty appropriate description. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2014 at 5:45pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to cum if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

by dating a moron / 12/14/2014 at 12:30pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I found out I have sodium fluoride poisoning. Apparently, my water has a high level of sodium fluorine. I've been drinking much more water lately trying to be healthier. FML

by anonymous / 12/08/2014 at 6:23pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

by dumb dancer / 12/04/2014 at 8:54pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

by fart / 11/27/2014 at 10:13am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2014 at 11:42am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I finally noticed how lonely I am when I realized I was petting my couch while reading a book. FML

by Hammy / 11/24/2014 at 9:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

by ohgosh... / 11/17/2014 at 10:10pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

by not crazy enough / 11/17/2014 at 1:48pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I was counselling a soon-to-be teen mom. She has a younger step-brother, and when I asked her how she handled him when he cries, she said, "Oh, that's when you cover their face until they stop!" FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2014 at 9:25pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

by SeaBind / 11/15/2014 at 7:41pm / United States (Michigan) / Geek

Today, I once again used my phone to get out of a conversation with someone, instead of actually talking to someone on it. FML

by Jakeok / 11/13/2014 at 7:04pm / United States (Michigan) / Geek