FMLs submitted from Michigan

Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2012 at 5:03pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2012 at 3:22pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know..." and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

by shellski / 01/20/2012 at 8:21pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

by soontobedumped / 01/15/2012 at 2:26pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

by ThatOneGirl646 / 01/11/2012 at 7:49pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2012 at 12:32am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML

by ktinanic / 12/30/2011 at 12:27pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I walked into my bathroom to find my girlfriend applying my deodorant. This would have been fine, if she wasn't applying it to her mouth. I don't think deodorant helps with bad breath, but a quick Google search shows that it does help with herpes. FML

by neednewdeoderant / 12/13/2011 at 9:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2011 at 10:38pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

by gmnesbitt / 12/07/2011 at 12:26am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML

by Jess49 / 12/02/2011 at 9:06pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

by waterbottlehit / 12/02/2011 at 12:23am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I turned 21. It's also the day I learned how it feels to have my foot and leg set on fire by a drunken idiot who thought it was a great idea to splash lighter fluid into an open-pit bonfire. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2011 at 2:00am / United States (Michigan) / Health