FMLs submitted from Michigan

Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML

by bronco_lover89 / 05/21/2012 at 9:05pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

by shygirl / 05/20/2012 at 9:13am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML

by me / 05/18/2012 at 10:41pm / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, I planned to go on a date with a man I met online. He came to my apartment to pick me up, and I told him I'd be right out as I grabbed my purse. When I got outside, he was gone. FML

by deewe / 05/13/2012 at 2:06am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that I've been calling my boyfriend's dad by the wrong name for the past two years. No one had told me sooner because they liked laughing at me for it when I wasn't around. FML

by somefamily / 04/26/2012 at 3:11am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

by Anonymous / 04/23/2012 at 1:50am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

by orangechicken / 04/16/2012 at 6:00pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML

by prego / 04/13/2012 at 10:15am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, my boyfriend decided that he didn't need a real job. He wants to sell pot for a living. Or hang drywall. He can't decide. FML

by Anonymous / 04/10/2012 at 4:57pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

by Lionman / 04/05/2012 at 1:11am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

by Scarred / 04/03/2012 at 11:27pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I dislocated my elbow chasing my cat around the hardwood floors of my house in knee-high socks and wiping out going around a corner. The doctors suggested that I not tell people how it happened. FML

by hikari_chan_xo / 03/28/2012 at 8:00am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

by anonymous / 03/22/2012 at 12:46am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy