FMLs submitted from Michigan

Today, I waved money at a passing ice cream truck and it kept going. So apparently I can't even get a date with a Sno Cone. FML

by Scottie Too Hottie / 06/27/2016 at 6:49pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

by smellymcgee / 06/25/2016 at 1:21pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I found out that if I'm tickled it causes me to have a panic attack until I cry. FML

by RIP / 06/18/2016 at 7:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally started my first job. I also lost it, for being too "enthusiastic" and making my fellow employees look lazy. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2016 at 11:22pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I found a new way to tell if my girlfriend is on her period. If she responds to "Want me to get you anything while I'm at the store?" by screaming "God just fuck off, you cunt!" then bursting into tears, the answer is a definite yes. FML

by sad / 06/17/2016 at 6:37pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML

by ouch / 06/16/2016 at 6:14am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, on our anniversary, my fiancé left me. I now spent a couple hundred dollars on a hotel room and wine to cry myself to sleep, alone. FML

by BloodyElegant / 06/11/2016 at 11:22am / United States (Michigan) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

by RingofFire / 06/03/2016 at 7:23pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML

by Spider fail / 05/31/2016 at 3:06pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 1:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I was the only driver at the pizza place I work at, since it was the morning shift. My recently made ex-boyfriend ordered pizza for delivery. Guess who got to take it to him. And guess who got a 34 cent tip. FML

by MagickAngel / 05/23/2016 at 3:19am / United States (Michigan) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mattress has gotten so old and trashed that I was woken up by two springs ripping through my bed sheets and stabbing me in the leg and abdomen. FML

by gavthewarealpaca / 05/16/2016 at 5:36am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2016 at 5:10pm / United States (Michigan) / Health