FMLs submitted from Massachusetts

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

by gmian / 12/06/2015 at 12:06am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, at my wedding reception, my wife's Grandfather decided to sing for everyone. The first words out of his mouth once he got the microphone were, "I'm a Senior Swinger." I had to explain to my appalled guests that it was just the name of the chorus group at his retirement home. FML

by ohnohedidnt / 12/05/2015 at 8:46pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

by yayibs / 12/03/2015 at 10:21pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parent's bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML

by aj513 / 11/28/2015 at 8:20pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2015 at 8:37am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2015 at 8:17am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, my parents found out that my younger brother has been smoking pot. As his punishment, he can't be home alone anymore. And apparently, I'm now his full-time babysitter since I "don't have a life anyway." FML

by junko / 11/17/2015 at 8:44pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2015 at 6:47am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date he starts talking about his wife and kids. FML

by Lori / 11/04/2015 at 1:46pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML

by Broken / 11/03/2015 at 1:13pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I babysat for my neighbor's brat kid. The mom gave me $15 for 5 hours. I complained to my mom when I got home because last time I got $15/hour. Turns out my mom had told my neighbor that she thought they'd paid me too much last time. Thanks mom. Thanks. FML

by Thanks a lot / 10/22/2015 at 9:27pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, my long time girlfriend flew across the country to visit. My asshat roommate decided to introduce himself to her while I was in the bathroom. She left and won't answer my calls. He won't tell me what he said to her. FML

by wellshitthen / 10/21/2015 at 3:30pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at our wedding, instead of saying "I do", my fiancé paused before saying, "I can't do this", stepped down from the altar and proposed to my maid of honor. When she obviously refused, he ran from the venue bawling. He's not returning my calls. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2015 at 12:46am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love