FMLs submitted from Massachusetts

Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 08/16/2010 at 4:20pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I found out that my overprotective parents hired a private investigator a month ago, who since then has been watching my perfectly normal boyfriend, in case he "tries to rape or kill" me. We're both 25 years old. FML

by wtf / 08/15/2010 at 8:52am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend, who works at the same store, to text me my schedule. She sent me the wrong hours for today. I got suspended, and she broke up with me for being too irresponsible. FML

by irresponsible / 08/14/2010 at 4:41pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I was on the way to traffic court for a $340 speeding ticket I'd got. My mother called me and I wasn't paying attention which caused me to speed. Right past a cop. When I told the cop where I was going, he started laughing at me. I now have another $300 ticket. FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2010 at 10:16am / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

by kiki / 08/05/2010 at 2:24pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

by nu_ravers_101 / 07/27/2010 at 9:56am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2010 at 7:43pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Geek

Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML

by Anonymous / 06/29/2010 at 1:09pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

by bobby / 06/12/2010 at 6:13pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I had a date with a girl at a fancy restaurant. In the middle of it she says, "Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom." I watched her get up, walk over to the door, leave, get in her car, and drive away. FML

by Th3BaconNinja / 06/07/2010 at 10:21pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I went downstairs after a family argument. The front door was kicked in, the sink faucet was snapped off, and there were broken plates all over the kitchen floor. I later found out that the argument was over who left the refrigerator door open. FML

by mark / 06/06/2010 at 7:48pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to this guy I liked at work. He was flirting with me, and everything was going great, I was so happy, until he started talking non-stop about the extent of his foot fetish. FML

by Anonymous / 05/26/2010 at 8:03am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

by weirdedout / 05/24/2010 at 11:14am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy