FMLs submitted from Massachusetts

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2016 at 8:33pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

by humanshield / 04/10/2016 at 12:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I was trying to fix a stapler, but it turns out it wasn't broken at all. It wouldn't staple a small stack of papers but had no trouble stapling through my finger. FML

by tatertotes13 / 04/05/2016 at 1:37pm / United States (Massachusetts) /

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I dropped my wallet and it fell into the perfectly sized hole in the storm drain. FML

by Qwe / 03/19/2016 at 9:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I arrived early so I could check in with the receptionists about this weird communication mixup that's caused me to miss my last two appointments. Despite what my appointment card said, I arrived to find the office closed. FML

by in pain and tardy / 03/11/2016 at 6:00pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

by Anonymous / 02/26/2016 at 5:31pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, my English professor bragged to my entire class about how good my essay was. He kept on saying great things about it for the duration of class. To my surprise, he'd given me a C-. When I asked why, his only response was: "I'm a hard grader." FML

by hardgraderorhardass / 02/23/2016 at 11:46pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

by Mr. X / 02/23/2016 at 12:46pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

by Anonymous / 02/20/2016 at 9:19am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I worked such a long shift at Panera that when my boyfriend called later, I answered, "It's a fresh day at Panera Bread in [town], this is [name] speaking. How may I help you?" He thought it was hilarious. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2016 at 7:53pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, my mom told me she wasn't an alcoholic because she doesn't get "black out drunk" daily. She only gets drunk enough to slur her words and reek of alcohol daily, so it's okay. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2016 at 5:29am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2016 at 6:56am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, my parents called me to ask if I could drop my dog off to them on Sunday. They're having a Superbowl party and want to show her off to their guests. My dog is invited, but I'm not. FML

by uninvited / 02/04/2016 at 10:16am / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals