FMLs submitted from Massachusetts

Today, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. My breathing is short and heavy, and I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me. Instead, he called me Darth Vader, patted me on the head, and said, "Don't worry, the Force will be with you." FML

by Emily / 12/05/2012 at 12:55pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

by Teddy / 11/26/2012 at 3:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

by mountains / 11/18/2012 at 7:47pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail when an old man started rubbing his crotch across my hand. I moved my hand but he moved too and kept doing it. When I moved my hand higher, he started licking it. I had to wait ten minutes for the next stop. FML

by needanewride / 11/15/2012 at 9:40pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation

Today, I was playing with my cat. I tried to put him on my stomach, but he refused to stay put. Ever since I lost weight, he won't lay with me or purr. I think my fat was the only thing he liked about me. FML

by creedonfied / 11/06/2012 at 3:27pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

Today, I started my new job as the only IT tech for my office. My first task: untangling the hundred mice the previous tech tied together for "fun". FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2012 at 1:29pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

by thebeachisthatway / 10/22/2012 at 2:56pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, at a family reunion, we all squeezed in for a picture. I set the self-timer and ran to get in it. 2 seconds before the picture went off, some guy came up, stole the camera, and ran away. FML

by Pissed / 10/15/2012 at 3:57pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

Today, I received a drunken prank call from a girl I didn't know around 1am. I don't know what's sadder, that I carried out the conversation for 30 minutes, or that this was the first girl to call me in over a year. FML

by badluckryan / 09/25/2012 at 9:38am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML

by Pissed / 09/21/2012 at 7:20pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2012 at 3:10pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

by Anonymous / 09/16/2012 at 11:32am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML

by apparently inexperienced / 09/11/2012 at 12:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy