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FMLs submitted from Massachusetts

Today, my mom told me she wasn't an alcoholic because she doesn't get "black out drunk" daily. She only gets drunk enough to slur her words and reek of alcohol daily, so it's okay. FML

#21525409
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16813) - you deserved it (1078)

On 02/12/2016 at 5:29am - health - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I came inside a girl's vagina by accident. Neither one of us wants her to be pregnant, and I had to spend half an hour with her sitting on my face, while I sucked my own cum out of her. I don't even know if this will work. FML

#21524955
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8127) - you deserved it (43183)

On 02/10/2016 at 9:12pm - intimacy - by nickncik (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

#21523317
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18804) - you deserved it (1668)

On 02/06/2016 at 6:56am - health - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my parents called me to ask if I could drop my dog off to them on Sunday. They're having a Superbowl party and want to show her off to their guests. My dog is invited, but I'm not. FML

#21522725
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20732) - you deserved it (1553)

On 02/04/2016 at 10:16am - animals - by uninvited (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was taking a dump at work. I had my two-way radio attached to the back of my belt. When I stood up and pulled my pants up, I managed to send the antenna straight up my butt. FML

#21520186
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20100) - you deserved it (4400)

On 01/27/2016 at 7:29pm - misc - by poopsicle (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

#21520005
26 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17710) - you deserved it (7262)

On 01/27/2016 at 8:30am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

#21515546
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21463) - you deserved it (1850)

On 01/15/2016 at 11:01am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I took a coach bus to travel to New York. Along the way, the bus stopped at Burger King and I went out to buy some food. When I got back, I couldn't find the bus. It left without me. FML

#21506719
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20344) - you deserved it (3164)

On 12/22/2015 at 10:44pm - misc - by natalie_sarantos (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML

#21506480
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18915) - you deserved it (7888)

On 12/22/2015 at 4:26am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

#21500589
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19336) - you deserved it (10232)

On 12/06/2015 at 12:06am - work - by gmian (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, at my wedding reception, my wife's Grandfather decided to sing for everyone. The first words out of his mouth once he got the microphone were, "I'm a Senior Swinger." I had to explain to my appalled guests that it was just the name of the chorus group at his retirement home. FML

#21500533
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20515) - you deserved it (1743)

On 12/05/2015 at 8:46pm - misc - by ohnohedidnt (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

#21499834
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19123) - you deserved it (4215)

On 12/03/2015 at 10:21pm - health - by yayibs - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parent's bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML

#21497961
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20116) - you deserved it (26746)

On 11/28/2015 at 8:20pm - intimacy - by aj513 (man) - United States (Massachusetts)



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