FMLs submitted from Maryland

Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML

by zacharynedley / 01/05/2015 at 7:16pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2015 at 5:14pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I got a letter from my long time boyfriend asking me to meet him at the place we first met for a "surprise". I can't remember where that even is. FML

by lunab123 / 12/31/2014 at 3:59pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I went to dinner at my parents' house. I was going to surprise them by introducing them to my new boyfriend. They decided to surprise me too, by inviting my ex to the dinner. Everyone was surprised tonight. FML

by Michelle / 12/05/2014 at 10:35pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I discovered that the reason the phone I've had for a year takes such terrible and cloudy pictures is because I never took the plastic coating off the lens. FML

by ShadowReiku / 12/01/2014 at 11:41pm / United States (Maryland) / Geek

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

by annababyyyy / 11/10/2014 at 12:01am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, I had to google the definition of transsexual just to know what the hell my friends were talking about. I need to read a book. FML

by Awkward / 10/21/2014 at 8:36pm / United States (Maryland) / Geek

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

by team hit bella with a car / 10/19/2014 at 10:20pm / United States (Maryland) / Kids

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

by imamess / 09/15/2014 at 5:37pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

by new dog / 09/13/2014 at 11:38pm / United States (Maryland) / Animals

Today, I was driving to the DMV to take a test, after getting some points removed from my license. On the way there, I got a speeding ticket and got my license suspended completely. FML

by hockusa3 / 09/11/2014 at 11:44am / United States (Maryland) / Transportation

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

by very punny / 09/02/2014 at 11:18pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I was sitting in a boring lecture. Out of boredom, I made a fish-faces with my mouth. Somehow, I made the most realistic fart noise I've ever heard in the process. The whole room stared at me. FML

by annababyyyy / 08/24/2014 at 9:09pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.