FMLs submitted from Maryland

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

by scooter922 / 07/15/2012 at 3:45am / United States (Maryland) / Health

Today, my friend told me she was going to start drinking gatorade, so she could get the body shape of the athletes on TV. When I tried to explain to her that she'd also need to work out to achieve this, she went nuts and hurled the bottle at my face. FML

by phonnah / 06/20/2012 at 1:59pm / United States (Maryland) / Health

Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML

by latino14 / 06/15/2012 at 7:27am / United States (Maryland) / Health

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

by sopissed / 06/13/2012 at 2:13pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, when I was laying in my bed, I looked on the opposite side and saw a spider the size of my palm staring at me. And if that wasn't bad, I found out it hops. I still can't find it. FML

by somebody / 06/08/2012 at 7:13pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my little brother got his crush to go out with him by impressing her with his level 500 FarmVille. This is the next generation. FML

by Discouraged / 05/31/2012 at 8:43am / United States (Maryland) / Kids

Today, I found out that the person who has been stalking me has also been stalking someone else. I got upset. It seems it took being stalked to make me feel good about myself. FML

by stalked / 05/28/2012 at 2:24am / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I was choosing my soft drink at a restaurant. The kid in front of me was too short to reach the lids so I handed him one. His mom rushed over, pried it out of his hands, threw it away, and yelled, "She's filthy, don't use that." FML

by td1078 / 05/24/2012 at 11:50am / United States (Maryland) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

by sick and awkward / 05/20/2012 at 2:11am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML

by Anonymous / 05/17/2012 at 12:28pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started my new job. It seems my colleagues are moronic pranksters, because when I leaned back in my chair, the back-rest fell apart and I fell to the ground, to much laughter. My boss immediately shouted at me to "stop fucking about." I thought this only happened in movies. FML

by dan / 05/09/2012 at 4:10pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I've now received my 73rd email in two days about my masters group project on policy recommendations for security reform. One group member has helpfully rewritten everything, and our project is now titled "Zeus's Earthly Kingdom." It's due today. FML

by IHateGroupProjects / 04/25/2012 at 9:25am / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

by Anonymous / 04/21/2012 at 10:50am / United States (Maryland) / Geek