FMLs submitted from Leicestershire

Today, I was doing my first shift waitressing in a café. Not an hour in, I'd already spilt tea over somebody and dropped two whole meals. Looks like this won't last much longer. FML

by failingyetagain / 07/20/2015 at 6:17pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Work

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

by fuck right off / 04/04/2015 at 1:32pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Health

Today, I'm having heart surgery. The doc came in, donut in one hand and papers in another. While I was filling them out, his hands kept trembling, and he dropped the donut on the floor. He fumbled to pick it up and kept eating. The guy I'm entrusting my life to doesn't even respect the five-second rule. FML

by deadman / 07/09/2012 at 2:25pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Health

Today, I've found out that since beginning my new heavy workout regime, my testosterone levels have gone through the roof, making me constantly horny. My girlfriend lives on another continent. The reason I'm working out so hard? To impress her when I see her next. FML

by Dooh / 01/17/2012 at 6:12pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Intimacy

Today, after eighteen years of living with my adoptive parents, I met my biological mum for the first time. She's a forty year old, 300lb American woman who wears 'Twilight' t-shirts and will be spending the rest of her visit to the UK trying to find Robert Pattinson. She says I remind her of herself. FML

by Adoptee / 05/22/2011 at 7:09pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Kids

Today, I participated in a charity auction at my university where the boys are "sold" to the highest bidder to be a slave for a day. My girlfriend and ex were bidding against each other. My ex won. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2010 at 2:58pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Love

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2010 at 8:15am / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

by edot / 01/15/2010 at 10:30pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

by LOLCATS / 10/13/2009 at 9:45am / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Intimacy

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

by oxjessiiox / 10/11/2009 at 11:42am / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Miscellaneous