FMLs submitted from Kent

Today, I woke up to my balls covered in Icy Hot, a big old "fuck you" note from my girlfriend, and my door slamming shut. I'm starting to get the distinct impression I shouldn't have made that off-hand remark last night about her PMSing, after she rage-quit a game of Mario Kart. FML

by dumping time / 11/25/2012 at 5:38pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Love

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

by fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt / 08/17/2012 at 12:27pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML

by Anonymous / 08/15/2012 at 7:40am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy

Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

by kay / 06/01/2012 at 5:08pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

by Alfie4 / 03/05/2012 at 5:30pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy

Today, I was out selling Christmas-themed calendars for charity door-to-door. I rang a doorbell and a wild-eyed man appeared at the door, shouted about being "on nights" and that I'd woken him up, called me a "bell end", threw a newspaper at me and slammed the door in my face. FML

by firemansam / 12/12/2011 at 6:36am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, my three housemates got into a huge fight and ended up declaring their undying hatred for each other. They now refuse to talk to each other, and I've become their go-between. Yesterday, we signed the lease for another year in the house together. FML

by screwedhousemate / 03/28/2011 at 7:52am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

by anonymous / 03/19/2011 at 6:32am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up and had a flick through my camera photos. To my disgust my mother had taken pictures of herself, drunk out of her mind, naked with goggles on in our hot tub. FML

by kimbo / 10/25/2010 at 4:28am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

by nakedyogagirl / 09/02/2010 at 8:16pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

by Luke / 07/25/2010 at 6:47pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

by AngelAshley / 02/22/2010 at 10:35am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Health

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

by embarrassed / 01/03/2010 at 1:53am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Love