FMLs submitted from Kansas

Today, I got stuck on an airplane for a while before takeoff. Someone decided it was a great time to get diarrhea while on the toilet, and we couldn't take off for safety reasons. FML

by Airplane crap / 10/21/2014 at 4:13pm / United States (Kansas) / Transportation

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

by youngboob / 10/21/2014 at 11:42am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

by are you kidding me / 10/20/2014 at 12:53am / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2014 at 11:19pm / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

by baebookboo / 08/04/2014 at 11:08am / United States (Kansas) / Geek

Today, the previously charming guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks tried to introduce a weekly sex quota into our relationship. FML

by aww, such a nice guy. NOT / 05/25/2014 at 1:46pm / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, my husband suggested we get divorced, "for tax purposes". FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2014 at 2:43pm / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive it out from the line of cars for them, since it was a tight squeeze. They then watched as I managed to back it straight into another car, causing a large amount of damage to both. FML

by cargaljen / 05/17/2014 at 5:34pm / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, I once again had another guy's sweaty crotch pushed into my face. I still don't see why I enjoy wrestling. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend the dentist said my blood pressure was high. He was more interested in the fact that the dentist took my blood pressure than my blood pressure being high. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2014 at 10:11pm / United States (Kansas) / Health

Today, I got my wedding photos back. The only decent picture of my husband and me together also featured a fat guy in a crop top behind us. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2014 at 3:55pm / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2014 at 3:23pm / United States (Kansas) / Health

Today, my new calculus teacher taught everything using nothing but soccer terms and analogies, just so the resident idiot meatheads would understand. I didn't learn a thing. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2014 at 1:38pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous