FMLs submitted from Kansas

Today, just before a job interview, I coughed so violently that I lost my voice. FML

by WarMachine68 / 06/06/2015 at 3:19pm / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML

by anon / 05/06/2015 at 8:50am / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML

by Anonymous / 05/04/2015 at 7:08pm / United States (Kansas) / Health

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

by craZycatLady / 04/20/2015 at 2:06pm / United States (Kansas) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2015 at 10:04am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML

by bushwhacker / 03/05/2015 at 6:34pm / United States (Kansas) / Health

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that "pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

by FrustratedTutor / 02/03/2015 at 10:39pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on my first date in over 4 years with a smoking hot guy. The big event was a trip to Target. I work at Target. He took me to my workplace for our date. And they say romance is dead. FML

by anonpbc / 01/28/2015 at 8:51am / United States (Kansas) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was t-boned and my truck was rendered useless. I was given a ticket even though the man who hit me ran a red light. Why? Because there was dirt on my license plate. FML

by killerxdeagles / 12/22/2014 at 9:22pm / United States (Kansas) / Transportation

Today, I got stuck on an airplane for a while before takeoff. Someone decided it was a great time to get diarrhea while on the toilet, and we couldn't take off for safety reasons. FML

by Airplane crap / 10/21/2014 at 4:13pm / United States (Kansas) / Transportation

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

by youngboob / 10/21/2014 at 11:42am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

by are you kidding me / 10/20/2014 at 12:53am / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2014 at 11:19pm / United States (Kansas) / Work