FMLs submitted from Iowa

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2015 at 7:10pm / United States (Iowa) / Transportation

Today, my father, who is not familiar with keyboards, had me register his new email account for him at the public library. His username choice? "Wang dang sweet poon tang". People heard. FML

by cassieleigh1 / 11/05/2015 at 12:05am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

by Why? / 11/04/2015 at 10:57pm / United States (Iowa) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he had a surprise for me at midnight. I stayed up all night, not hearing from him. Finally I get a notification. Apparently, my midnight surprise is that I'm single. FML

by hunting7waves / 09/25/2015 at 1:31am / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed an empty wall. I asked my grandma if I could put a picture up. She replied, "I don't want your ugly drawings on the wall". I wasn't talking about my drawings. FML

by Failed Artist / 08/30/2015 at 12:49am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, a homeless man asked me for some change. Not having any cash, I gave him a gift card for the restaurant I work at. When I got home I realized I gave him my credit card. FML

by ealovan / 08/24/2015 at 12:18am / United States (Iowa) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I responded to an argument with my girlfriend by only using comebacks she'd used in previous arguments. I'm single now. FML

by Cygnus / 08/03/2015 at 10:14am / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

by elovan / 07/25/2015 at 4:33am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend heard a great quote about not letting anyone drag her down. She took it to mean, "break up with your boyfriend." FML

by GoldCyclone / 07/11/2015 at 1:47pm / United States (Iowa) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML

by No-Sleep Nellie / 07/07/2015 at 9:26am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML

by Anonymous / 07/03/2015 at 11:29pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, after replacing several components on my new used car, I realized that the reason it wasn't getting the gas mileage it was supposed to because my coworkers take turns siphoning my gas while I work. FML

by thatshelpful / 07/02/2015 at 12:16am / United States (Iowa) / Transportation

Today, I lost all of my male friends at work. Why? The new girl has my same interests and a prettier face. FML

by cbarr98 / 06/05/2015 at 9:00pm / United States (Iowa) / Work