FMLs submitted from Iowa

Today, my boss used our communal notebook to bitch out our entire department for not leaving a note notifying her that one of the machines was down. She wrote it on the same page as the note I left saying that one of the machines was down. FML

by Helpful Smile / 01/25/2016 at 9:56pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time when she noticed I only have one testicle. She immediately broke up with me, for she doesn't want her future sons to be gay because they'll only have half of their testosterone. FML

by Anonymous / 12/27/2015 at 11:46pm / United States (Iowa) / Intimacy

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The guy chuckled mockingly at my master's degree in philosophy and wound up admitting that he had no idea why I'd even been selected to be interviewed. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2015 at 2:16pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2015 at 7:10pm / United States (Iowa) / Transportation

Today, my father, who is not familiar with keyboards, had me register his new email account for him at the public library. His username choice? "Wang dang sweet poon tang". People heard. FML

by cassieleigh1 / 11/05/2015 at 12:05am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

by Why? / 11/04/2015 at 10:57pm / United States (Iowa) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he had a surprise for me at midnight. I stayed up all night, not hearing from him. Finally I get a notification. Apparently, my midnight surprise is that I'm single. FML

by hunting7waves / 09/25/2015 at 1:31am / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed an empty wall. I asked my grandma if I could put a picture up. She replied, "I don't want your ugly drawings on the wall". I wasn't talking about my drawings. FML

by Failed Artist / 08/30/2015 at 12:49am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, a homeless man asked me for some change. Not having any cash, I gave him a gift card for the restaurant I work at. When I got home I realized I gave him my credit card. FML

by ealovan / 08/24/2015 at 12:18am / United States (Iowa) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I responded to an argument with my girlfriend by only using comebacks she'd used in previous arguments. I'm single now. FML

by Cygnus / 08/03/2015 at 10:14am / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

by elovan / 07/25/2015 at 4:33am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend heard a great quote about not letting anyone drag her down. She took it to mean, "break up with your boyfriend." FML

by GoldCyclone / 07/11/2015 at 1:47pm / United States (Iowa) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML

by No-Sleep Nellie / 07/07/2015 at 9:26am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous