FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, at work, I was about to close a big sale, when a coworker rushed over and said there was a call for me in the office. He heavily implied my mom had died, and I rushed out. After I figured out there was no call and that my mom was fine, he'd already stolen my sale and the commission. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2015 at 4:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

by Rar / 05/09/2015 at 1:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML

by anonymous / 05/06/2015 at 9:36am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2015 at 1:42pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my 2 year old to the potty in a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

by klutz44 / 04/16/2015 at 2:36pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, my 3-year-old broke his glasses, clogged the toilet with Hot Wheel cars, and covered the whole house with Cheerios. All in a matter of roughly 6 minutes while I was putting laundry away. FML

by mommylife / 04/15/2015 at 12:17am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

by mademoiselle meurtre / 04/12/2015 at 10:51pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend hasn't spoken to me in a week, so I gave her a call. No reply. I texted her, and got a text back saying: "Sorry, dude. Better luck next time!" FML

by Anonymous / 03/29/2015 at 3:54pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML

by M.SHUKRI / 03/29/2015 at 8:54am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I discovered that when my mom can't sleep, she comes into my room and reads my text messages. FML

by ironwoman23 / 03/27/2015 at 8:23pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend wrecked our car. Now I can't get to work in order to make the money we need to buy a new one. FML

by stuck / 03/23/2015 at 11:51am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, while my in-laws were visiting, my two-year old accidentally pushed the door wide open while I was sitting on the toilet. My mother-in-law laughed, took out her cell phone, snapped a picture of me and posted it on Facebook for everyone in our family to see. FML

by Mary C. / 03/22/2015 at 9:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML

by redneckpunk / 03/16/2015 at 3:15pm / United States (Illinois) / Love