FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

by Ella / 07/23/2009 at 10:26pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

by Rory / 07/23/2009 at 12:26am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

by sexychica / 07/21/2009 at 1:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

by picturemenakedbaby / 07/21/2009 at 6:42am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

by Loveless / 07/19/2009 at 9:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer..." FML

by blackntangirl / 07/18/2009 at 7:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I proudly informed my boyfriend that I am now a size 4, down from an 18, after months of dieting and exercising after he told me he would like me to be a size 6. He broke up with me for "not listening to what he wanted" and "being an overachiever". FML

by overachiever / 07/18/2009 at 5:35pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was surprising my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was nude and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

by Meh / 07/18/2009 at 11:51am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2009 at 8:56am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, we went up for visitor's day for my son's Jewish summer camp. We don't keep kosher, but most of his fellow campers do. When we went around in the circle saying our favorite foods, he said, "my mom makes the best pork chops." We got dirty looks for the rest of the day. FML

by porkeater / 07/16/2009 at 11:02am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied "the round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now i'm the asshole of the office. FML

by kjcarey123 / 07/15/2009 at 1:24pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I went to see a movie. After getting my seat, I went out to get food. Coming back, I saw the security guard. Thinking he would ask me for my ticket, I moved all the food to one hand to get the ticket in my pocket. I spilled it all. He didn't ask to see it. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2009 at 11:57am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, a friend of mine told me that he knew I was into kinky sex, "like getting tied up." I just stared at him, spluttering simple question words and wondering how on earth he could possibly know that about me. I then realized that he had been joking. Too late. FML

by i.ask.you.how. / 07/12/2009 at 2:05am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy