FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to relax, so I told her, "I'm better at stressing out, so I have something to fall back on if I bomb the test." To which she replied, "And masturbating, you've always excelled at that." FML

by LZapped / 06/08/2015 at 9:35am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, a customer called the Chinese restaurant where I work and complained about her takeout order not including donuts. After informing her that we don't have them, she started to curse at me while citing the website as proof. She thought wontons were synonymous with donuts. FML

by taylorbrown97 / 06/07/2015 at 3:05pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

by skid / 06/02/2015 at 10:59am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

by bonehead69 / 05/31/2015 at 3:06am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

by Anonymous / 05/24/2015 at 10:14am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to my roommates "pet" snake casually lying in bed with me. I then got yelled at for screaming and scaring the snake. Apparently, it's my fault that it bit my chin. FML

by earthlyscum / 05/18/2015 at 10:27pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at work, I was about to close a big sale, when a coworker rushed over and said there was a call for me in the office. He heavily implied my mom had died, and I rushed out. After I figured out there was no call and that my mom was fine, he'd already stolen my sale and the commission. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2015 at 4:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

by Rar / 05/09/2015 at 1:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML

by anonymous / 05/06/2015 at 9:36am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2015 at 1:42pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my 2 year old to the potty in a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

by klutz44 / 04/16/2015 at 2:36pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, my 3-year-old broke his glasses, clogged the toilet with Hot Wheel cars, and covered the whole house with Cheerios. All in a matter of roughly 6 minutes while I was putting laundry away. FML

by mommylife / 04/15/2015 at 12:17am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

by mademoiselle meurtre / 04/12/2015 at 10:51pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous