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FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

#3109528
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36162) - you deserved it (18514)

On 06/22/2009 at 1:27am - misc - by FathersDay (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was in the basement at my grandma's house. The bathroom is on the ground floor and there's a laundry chute that goes down to the basement. I looked through the chute to see if the bathroom light was on. A pair of shitty underpants came down and landed in my face. They were my grandma's. FML

#3078532
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38886) - you deserved it (10807)

On 06/21/2009 at 12:19am - misc - by yuck (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

#3019033
273 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11595) - you deserved it (110747)

On 06/19/2009 at 1:26am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, the weather was nice so I decided to eat outside. I quickly found out that my new, expensive hair conditioner attracts bees. Lots of bees. FML

#3017474
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41646) - you deserved it (6188)

On 06/19/2009 at 12:32am - health - by Stung (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML

#2934855
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38030) - you deserved it (4345)

On 06/16/2009 at 5:13am - love - by flowerfail (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML

#2933331
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50272) - you deserved it (4593)

On 06/16/2009 at 3:03am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I gave a carpet shampooing demonstration in a stranger's home. To my surprise, the white expensive carpet was dyed grey due to something in the solution. The owner held me hostage in her house by barracading the door until my manager got there. FML

#2861063
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43522) - you deserved it (7938)

On 06/13/2009 at 3:47pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was eating lunch with my wife. We were having a nice time when a man came up to me. He said, "Hey! Bill how are you?" I wasn't really sure, so being polite I said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name." He frowned and walked away. It was my company's Chairman of the Board. FML

#2792328
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17143) - you deserved it (48911)

On 06/11/2009 at 1:08am - misc - by silly_billy (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

#2682803
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12515) - you deserved it (72101)

On 06/07/2009 at 2:47am - intimacy - by Jon (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I bought my cat a nice big bag of expensive anti-hairball catfood, so she'd stop puking hairballs on my things. After eating it, she started running around wildly, howling and projectile vomiting on EVERYTHING. FML

#2655825
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44689) - you deserved it (6390)

On 06/06/2009 at 9:17am - animals - by Jay (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was on a double date at a restaurant with two friends of mine and a guy I really liked. Things started getting really quiet so I decided to start talking to make things a little bit less awkward even though I was eating. I ended up spitting a piece of chicken across the table. FML

#2645641
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14413) - you deserved it (39928)

On 06/05/2009 at 10:22pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was taking a picture with my friend. Her camera can pick out a certain color and only have that color show up in the picture. She chose yellow because of the yellow on my dress. When she showed me the picture, the sash wasn't the only yellow thing; my teeth showed up, too. FML

#2619550
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39863) - you deserved it (16422)

On 06/05/2009 at 12:21am - misc - by becstar90 (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tomorrow. FML

#2597926
614 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10207) - you deserved it (133771)

On 06/04/2009 at 1:09pm - misc - by soljaboy (woman) - United States (Illinois)



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