FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2010 at 9:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need". After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML

by yermom / 12/13/2010 at 2:41am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was depressed because my boobs are really small for a 20 year old woman. To make me feel better my boyfriend said, "As long as they're bigger than mine." They weren't. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2010 at 8:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, at work, one of my 6 year old students who has had intense speech therapy since kindergarten, told me "I can tell you're hot, because you rolled your sleeves up." I was very pleased with his articulate sentence, until he said "Your arms are hairy." FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2010 at 7:47pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

by e / 12/02/2010 at 4:24am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2010 at 6:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 6:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, instead of going to a romantic dinner with my boyfriend like I'd planned, I ended up babysitting his queasy little sister. FML

by kaileekat517 / 11/21/2010 at 1:36pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

by nicki / 11/14/2010 at 12:18pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

by khaelian / 11/11/2010 at 11:53am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

by wow / 11/08/2010 at 1:23pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, at work, a woman fainted, and an extremely attractive cop came in to help. I ended up running into him an hour later. Seeing as though I'm not very shy or a nervous person, I struck up a conversation with him, thinking it must be fate. I ended up fumbling my words so much he asked if I was drunk. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2010 at 12:40am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, after getting out of the shower, I was in a good mood. So I decided to run around the house naked, then play air guitar while air drying, just for fun. My blinds were open, and the men in the Fedex truck in my front yard did have fun. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2010 at 12:31am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous