FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, my mom saw a picture of the moon and asked me what "those big spots" were. She actually thought the craters were continents and tried correcting me when I told her what they were. Then I almost got into trouble for being disrespectful. FML

by bornfromhillbillies / 08/29/2015 at 11:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a phone call letting me know my grandmother was arrested for trying to light my grandpa on fire. She's now in jail, asking for bail money. FML

by tkoester / 08/29/2015 at 12:29am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth to a litter of puppies. I can't even look at her now without getting nauseous. FML

by yooitscallo / 08/22/2015 at 3:30am / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, a woman at the retirement home I work at told me she was new and asked me a few questions. I asked her when she moved in. She was a new coworker, not a new resident. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 5:08pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 8:34am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML

by lvegadelgado_6 / 08/10/2015 at 10:32am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

by ahhh / 08/03/2015 at 2:06am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

by WhatTheFuck / 07/30/2015 at 11:30am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my step-sister told me that she was getting married to her girlfriend next summer. At a big family brunch, I made a toast to their marriage. I didn't know that my step-mom didn't know they were dating in the first place, or that she was severely homophobic. FML

by anon / 07/28/2015 at 1:02am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

by dirtbikeguy / 07/23/2015 at 9:05am / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, after hours of waiting in line, I finally met my favorite band. After posing for a picture, I looked at my phone to find that instead of taking a picture with me and the band, my friend took selfies. FML

by simply_meeeee / 07/20/2015 at 11:10am / United States (Illinois) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I really like. At the last minute he informed me a friend would be tagging along. To keep his friend from being a third-wheel, I kept up a conversation, and managed to piss my date off. He thought I would be a better match for his friend. FML

by newmoongirl1036 / 07/12/2015 at 10:03pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, after my boss has gotten in the habit of calling me "bubble wrap girl" at work because I'm clumsy and he claims I need to be covered in bubble wrap for my own protection, I have just probably broken two toes by dropping a hairdryer on my foot. I will never hear the end of this. FML

by Bubbles_the_klut / 07/06/2015 at 11:21pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.