FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, while at the grocery store an elderly woman farted very loudly next to me. Everyone in the aisle looked our way. The woman pointed at me, and left the aisle. I received many disgusted looks from children and their parents. FML

by kykynevs / 08/23/2011 at 3:14am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom let it slip that she was divorcing my dad. After making me promise to keep it from him and my little sisters, she had me help her with her plans to renovate the house. She intends to kick him out once it's done. FML

by kris / 08/22/2011 at 12:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML

by W1D0 / 08/20/2011 at 2:23am / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

by shitless88 / 08/19/2011 at 8:23pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML

by Chels / 08/18/2011 at 4:25pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

by elvisfreak5446 / 08/10/2011 at 12:12pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

by laughingflame / 08/04/2011 at 2:00am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

by notsurprised / 08/01/2011 at 8:55am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I was having horrible morning sickness. I was violently throwing up, could hardly breathe, and was gasping for air between each round of puking. My husband, in the other room playing video games, snapped and shouted, "Why can't you just be quiet?!" FML

by Ceej / 07/30/2011 at 5:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

by ladytyy / 07/27/2011 at 7:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

by supergirl7 / 07/27/2011 at 6:21pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

by :( / 07/27/2011 at 12:50am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

by John / 07/20/2011 at 12:38pm / United States (Illinois) / Love