FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

by elvisfreak5446 / 08/10/2011 at 12:12pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

by laughingflame / 08/04/2011 at 2:00am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

by notsurprised / 08/01/2011 at 8:55am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I was having horrible morning sickness. I was violently throwing up, could hardly breathe, and was gasping for air between each round of puking. My husband, in the other room playing video games, snapped and shouted, "Why can't you just be quiet?!" FML

by Ceej / 07/30/2011 at 5:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

by ladytyy / 07/27/2011 at 7:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

by supergirl7 / 07/27/2011 at 6:21pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

by :( / 07/27/2011 at 12:50am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

by John / 07/20/2011 at 12:38pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, while I was waitressing, two girls ran up a tab of $60 in drinks. They ended up not paying the bill and walking out. My boss told me it won't be the first time or last, as he made me pay their bill. FML

by sfabsits / 07/17/2011 at 3:00am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, while working at Subway, a man ordered a sub with avocado. When I told him it was no longer available, he screamed, spit in my face and ran out, pushing over an innocent bystander in the process. FML

by sandwichmaker / 07/16/2011 at 10:46pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2011 at 10:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2011 at 9:31am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

by turtle / 07/12/2011 at 9:26am / United States (Illinois) / Animals