FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

by whatswrongwithit?:( / 09/30/2012 at 3:37pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I had three things stolen: my phone, my iPod, and my girlfriend. All by the same guy. FML

by Shortround / 09/30/2012 at 8:56am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I fell asleep in class. One minute I'm listening to a lecture, and twenty-five minutes later, I'm waking up screaming in agony in front of everyone after biting my tongue in my sleep. FML

by Anonymous / 09/28/2012 at 4:10pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, while dog sitting my neighbor's Great Dane, I decided to order pizza. As soon as I received it, the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I moved, he ran full force and knocked me into the door, causing me to fall and drop the pizza, which he promptly devoured in front of me. FML

by Grauncho / 09/22/2012 at 10:12am / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

by holyshitbatman / 09/22/2012 at 10:06am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, after having a long talk with my mother about gays, she told me that she was totally open. I felt completely relieved, being gay myself. Seconds later, she said, "But not for you. I want you to find me a nice girl that can give me lots of grand kids." FML

by EvilMother / 09/13/2012 at 8:57pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

by PissOffPottermore / 09/13/2012 at 10:31am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

by bruisedego31 / 09/12/2012 at 5:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my car keys decided to play hide and seek. Good news: I found them under my bed. Bad news: it was after my job interview was scheduled to start. FML

by Can't Win / 09/09/2012 at 11:01am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the "vines" I was cutting down this morning were actually poison oak. I can only see out of one eye, and I'm virtually unrecognizable due to the facial swelling. FML

by merissa22 / 09/01/2012 at 1:37pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

by shadowsorel / 08/30/2012 at 4:34pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I worked overtime with three guys who never shut up about partying and getting laid. When I finally escaped the testosterone and got home, the first thing I heard was my grandpa telling my dad all about how he once fisted a girl to orgasm. FML

by what the FUCK / 08/15/2012 at 6:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML

by Deaththreat101 / 08/08/2012 at 4:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous