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FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML

#21286282
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34986) - you deserved it (2868)

On 10/27/2014 at 12:44pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

#21281977
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29998) - you deserved it (4766)

On 10/20/2014 at 8:38pm - misc - by Anonymos_fmler - United States (Illinois)

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

#21280619
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28935) - you deserved it (11791)

On 10/18/2014 at 7:05pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was at a football game with my boyfriend. I said my hands were getting cold, hoping he'd hold them. He replied, "Uh, they make pockets for a reason..." and physically showed me how to put my hands in my pockets. FML

#21280399
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33280) - you deserved it (6562)

On 10/18/2014 at 10:53am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

#21275111
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32964) - you deserved it (19419)

On 10/10/2014 at 5:51pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML

#21271608
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37219) - you deserved it (16419)

On 10/05/2014 at 10:42pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

#21267623
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36798) - you deserved it (5704)

On 09/29/2014 at 11:42am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got back home from work and casually asked my dad "What's up?" He casually replied: "Wishing I'd had a son instead." and stared glassy-eyed at me until I left the room. FML

#21265875
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33364) - you deserved it (2742)

On 09/26/2014 at 4:00pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

#21262000
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34317) - you deserved it (2394)

On 09/20/2014 at 7:39pm - misc - by rabid_otaku - United States (Illinois)

Today, I took my girlfriend of a year out on a date, a nice fancy dinner and a movie. After dinner, I said that I was feeling sick and just wanted to go home. I didn't have the heart to tell her that dinner was so expensive that I didn't have money for the movie. FML

#21258006
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42733) - you deserved it (8122)

On 09/14/2014 at 11:32am - love - by jgboy - United States (Illinois)

Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML

#21252624
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32370) - you deserved it (9224)

On 09/05/2014 at 8:13pm - misc - by tbee - United States (Illinois)

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

#21246585
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39006) - you deserved it (37891)

On 08/27/2014 at 5:50pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)



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