FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

by soontobesingle / 03/19/2013 at 7:30am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2013 at 7:00am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

by hejdixjeln / 03/17/2013 at 6:25am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, while at the nail salon, my boyfriend called. Since I was getting my nails done, I had to put him on speaker. The whole salon heard him break up with me. I can still hear their snickering in my head. FML

by HeatherRosure18 / 02/25/2013 at 6:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

by youmindyourownbusiness / 02/15/2013 at 12:53am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I finished my shift at the nursing home. There was too much snow on the roads, so most of us had to stay overnight. Not only did I not get to go home, I also got stuck sleeping in the same bed that a resident had died in the night before. FML

by death bed / 02/13/2013 at 12:20pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

by Doggotmytongue / 02/12/2013 at 4:50pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2013 at 1:40am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, at 24, I still can't grow a single bit of facial hair. Well, at least not on the right side of my face. FML

by ihatemylife / 01/27/2013 at 8:08pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

by crippled shopper / 01/27/2013 at 12:23am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML

by tftm / 01/05/2013 at 12:37am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn jeans and a Family Guy t-shirt. When I took him aside asked him what the hell he was thinking, he lost his temper and stormed out. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2013 at 5:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a date. He stole my credit card. FML

by elphi / 12/15/2012 at 1:11am / United States (Illinois) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.