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FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

#20732635
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61472) - you deserved it (4438)

On 06/18/2013 at 1:01am - kids - by imarriedanaxemurderer (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my grandparents went around bragging to people that I'm taking my STD test. They meant to say SAT. FML

#20731460
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51457) - you deserved it (3177)

On 06/17/2013 at 1:52pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

#20724998
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (78257) - you deserved it (7667)

On 06/14/2013 at 2:48am - love - by explanations (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to get an HPV vaccine after being convinced to by my mom. I stayed in the waiting room afterwards, because the vaccine has the possible side-effect of causing fainting. I didn't faint; instead, I spent the next 15 minutes giggling uncontrollably like a psycho. FML

#20719679
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46236) - you deserved it (5497)

On 06/11/2013 at 2:41pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

#20719423
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51270) - you deserved it (6634)

On 06/11/2013 at 12:11pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my sister and I were having a slumber party in my room since my parents left on a trip. They left my grandparents here to watch us. It was past bed time and we started hearing some strange noises through my floor. We thought it was the radio. Turns out my grandma is a screamer. FML

Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML

#20702720
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (87123) - you deserved it (3785)

On 06/03/2013 at 1:32am - misc - by Me - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was invited to a party. Since I rarely get invited to any, I was super pumped. Both my parents work late, so I texted a couple of people to see if I could catch a ride. It turned out everyone's cars were full. I ended up missing one of the only parties I've ever been invited to. FML

#20702631
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55807) - you deserved it (7087)

On 06/03/2013 at 12:45am - misc - by my_only_friend (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, after calling the insurance plan for my new iPhone a "huge waste of money", I promptly dropped it in the store while trying to put it into my pocket, cracking the screen. FML

#20693016
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23973) - you deserved it (50305)

On 05/29/2013 at 12:24pm - money - by sammarli530 - United States (Illinois)

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

#20691900
187 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32097) - you deserved it (57087)

On 05/28/2013 at 8:48pm - money - by pool party - United States (Illinois)

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

#20688020
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63139) - you deserved it (4297)

On 05/26/2013 at 8:21pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

#20687417
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40005) - you deserved it (4172)

On 05/26/2013 at 1:55pm - health - by ewwww (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my parents told me they're glad I'm an "ugly nerd" because they don't have to worry about me getting into trouble or having a teen pregnancy. FML

#20686197
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51139) - you deserved it (4452)

On 05/25/2013 at 8:45pm - misc - by uglynerd (woman) - United States (Illinois)



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