FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, trying to do something nice for my brother, I filled up his truck's gas tank. I didn't realize until too late that it's a diesel. FML

by Shooting myself / 02/10/2014 at 1:57pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my professor that I'll be missing class next week due to upcoming surgery. I asked if I could take the exam that I'd otherwise miss another day. He said no, and that I'd just have to take a failing grade, then wished me luck with the surgery. FML

by ... / 02/07/2014 at 3:30pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, like every day, I had to walk to my bus stop. The only difference today is there was snow and ice over everything. Not only did I slip and fall, soaking both myself and the contents of my bag, the bus driver saw me there at the bus stop and drove straight past. FML

by no snow day / 02/05/2014 at 9:07am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

by khfhjfsb / 02/04/2014 at 7:41pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my sister was taking forever in the bathroom, and I jokingly threatened to kick down the door. I rammed into it, and it actually bust almost off its hinges. My sister screamed and our parents came running. Now I'm grounded forever and our bathroom has no door. FML

by shit / 01/26/2014 at 1:20pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2014 at 7:28am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

by fappy dog / 01/23/2014 at 4:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my brother asked me how to block someone on Facebook. Seeing as how my brother never asks me for anything, I took this opportunity to help him. He then blocked me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2014 at 4:16pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

by foreveralone / 01/12/2014 at 8:00pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, we were playing charades at school. My word was "head", so I pointed to my face. Nobody on my team got it. But they did guess, "Ugly?!" FML

by kyyle / 01/10/2014 at 11:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2014 at 8:08pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I was watching TV with my husband, and he started getting frisky. When the commercial break started, we started having sex. When he came, there were still two commercials left before the show resumed. FML

by erjazo / 12/31/2013 at 4:19pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I was mopping the floor at the hotel I work at. Before I could react, a gentleman stormed through the corridor and slipped and fell on the still wet floor. He complained to the owner, who bitched me out just to satisfy the guy. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2013 at 4:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Work