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FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I worked overtime with three guys who never shut up about partying and getting laid. When I finally escaped the testosterone and got home, the first thing I heard was my grandpa telling my dad all about how he once fisted a girl to orgasm. FML

#20023096
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31930) - you deserved it (2675)

On 08/15/2012 at 6:52pm - intimacy - by what the FUCK (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML

#20009878
347 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17503) - you deserved it (40466)

On 08/08/2012 at 4:39pm - misc - by Deaththreat101 (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

#20006521
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28191) - you deserved it (1785)

On 08/06/2012 at 9:40pm - misc - by Joe Lizen - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got a call from my manager saying that I won't need to work this weekend. Too bad I already cancelled a family vacation because he threatened to fire me if I didn't work this weekend. FML

#19998359
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23567) - you deserved it (1356)

On 08/02/2012 at 12:22pm - work - by Pizzaguy (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I wanted to take a romantic bath with my boyfriend. I set up the candles and hot water, but I had to take a dump. After my business was done, I called him into the bath. He walks in, sniffs, glances at the toilet and leaves. Guess what I forgot to flush. FML

#19994389
159 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7957) - you deserved it (46304)

On 07/31/2012 at 11:53am - love - by TheMissMuffly (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I whacked off with a condom on and left it in the living room waste basket so it looked like I finally had sex with someone. FML

#19993573
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13772) - you deserved it (36807)

On 07/30/2012 at 11:36pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my mom once again commented on how I need to work out. It has come to the point that I now walk around in exercise clothes and have a bottle of water/fake sweat to put on, just so she thinks I work out. This is how lazy I am. FML

#19985136
207 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5565) - you deserved it (39402)

On 07/26/2012 at 10:48am - health - by maddiebauer - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

#19954637
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18455) - you deserved it (5915)

On 07/18/2012 at 1:00pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I found out my home health patient purposely drinks tons of prune juice every night so I will have a huge mess to clean up in the morning because I'm "a lazy bastard" and I "need to work harder." FML

#19885470
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22841) - you deserved it (2382)

On 07/03/2012 at 11:08am - work - by melikeyturtles - United States (Illinois)

Today, a cop turned his lights and siren on to pull me over. I pulled into a parking lot and got a ticket. It wasn't until the cop pulled away that I realized that I'd pulled into, and interrupted, an on-going funeral visitation. FML

#19847830
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19534) - you deserved it (4447)

On 06/25/2012 at 11:26pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

#19818500
186 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24229) - you deserved it (3180)

On 06/20/2012 at 12:41pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

#19812569
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22728) - you deserved it (15125)

On 06/19/2012 at 12:38pm - misc - by Shelby - United States (Illinois)

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

#19795313
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23658) - you deserved it (6589)

On 06/16/2012 at 1:45am - misc - by NotGay (man) - United States (Illinois)



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