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FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I heard my skinny 14-year-old daughter tell her friend, "Ugh, I wish I had leukemia or something so that I could lose weight." Yes, she actually said that. FML

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

#21431204
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24362) - you deserved it (1529)

On 06/24/2015 at 2:49pm - work - by Ain't going nowhere - United States (Illinois)

Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to relax, so I told her, "I'm better at stressing out, so I have something to fall back on if I bomb the test." To which she replied, "And masturbating, you've always excelled at that." FML

#21422751
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24526) - you deserved it (4152)

On 06/08/2015 at 9:35am - intimacy - by LZapped (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, a customer called the Chinese restaurant where I work and complained about her takeout order not including donuts. After informing her that we don't have them, she started to curse at me while citing the website as proof. She thought wontons were synonymous with donuts. FML

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

#21419646
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26761) - you deserved it (2730)

On 06/02/2015 at 10:59am - love - by skid (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

#21418416
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31099) - you deserved it (4850)

On 05/31/2015 at 3:06am - intimacy - by bonehead69 (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

#21414880
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27073) - you deserved it (2410)

On 05/24/2015 at 10:14am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I woke up to my roommates "pet" snake casually lying in bed with me. I then got yelled at for screaming and scaring the snake. Apparently, it's my fault that it bit my chin. FML

Today, at work, I was about to close a big sale, when a coworker rushed over and said there was a call for me in the office. He heavily implied my mom had died, and I rushed out. After I figured out there was no call and that my mom was fine, he'd already stolen my sale and the commission. FML

#21410601
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35489) - you deserved it (2015)

On 05/15/2015 at 4:58pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

#21407249
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28297) - you deserved it (9261)

On 05/09/2015 at 1:13pm - misc - by Rar (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML

#21405568
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28491) - you deserved it (3033)

On 05/06/2015 at 9:36am - misc - by anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

#21401745
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33900) - you deserved it (4529)

On 04/29/2015 at 1:42pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I took my 2 year old to the potty in a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

#21394708
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31434) - you deserved it (2718)

On 04/16/2015 at 2:36pm - kids - by klutz44 - United States (Illinois)



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