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FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

#21281977
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7021) - you deserved it (1092)

On 10/20/2014 at 8:38pm - misc - by Anonymos_fmler - United States (Illinois)

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

#21280619
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24263) - you deserved it (9475)

On 10/18/2014 at 7:05pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was at a football game with my boyfriend. I said my hands were getting cold, hoping he'd hold them. He replied, "Uh, they make pockets for a reason..." and physically showed me how to put my hands in my pockets. FML

#21280399
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28713) - you deserved it (5890)

On 10/18/2014 at 10:53am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

#21275111
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30576) - you deserved it (17820)

On 10/10/2014 at 5:51pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML

#21271608
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34816) - you deserved it (15673)

On 10/05/2014 at 10:42pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

#21267623
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36593) - you deserved it (5679)

On 09/29/2014 at 11:42am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got back home from work and casually asked my dad "What's up?" He casually replied: "Wishing I'd had a son instead." and stared glassy-eyed at me until I left the room. FML

#21265875
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31790) - you deserved it (2452)

On 09/26/2014 at 4:00pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

#21262000
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34202) - you deserved it (2391)

On 09/20/2014 at 7:39pm - misc - by rabid_otaku - United States (Illinois)

Today, I took my girlfriend of a year out on a date, a nice fancy dinner and a movie. After dinner, I said that I was feeling sick and just wanted to go home. I didn't have the heart to tell her that dinner was so expensive that I didn't have money for the movie. FML

#21258006
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42449) - you deserved it (8100)

On 09/14/2014 at 11:32am - love - by jgboy - United States (Illinois)

Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML

#21252624
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32256) - you deserved it (9207)

On 09/05/2014 at 8:13pm - misc - by tbee - United States (Illinois)

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

#21246585
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36448) - you deserved it (35391)

On 08/27/2014 at 5:50pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to a café and got some soup. When I was done, a nice waiter came over and offered to take my mostly empty soup bowl. I quickly at the last of it, looked up smiling and said "thanks". The soup dribbled out of my mouth and onto his hand. FML

#21237898
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35109) - you deserved it (9986)

On 08/15/2014 at 1:06am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)



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