FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed because hers is ,"reserved for sleeping only". FML

by Arizonagirl / 11/06/2016 at 2:31am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I found out why you depressurize your espresso maker before changing out the coffee grinds. FML

by burrrito_ / 11/03/2016 at 8:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I felt something wet and warm on my arm. I looked down and saw a kid with his mouth attached to my arm. Didn't expect that out of a third grader. FML

by jwolt92 / 10/24/2016 at 10:27pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I started a new job that was highly recommended by a worker there. The same coworker that is now making my life a living hell. FML

by Hellish / 10/21/2016 at 12:11am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML

by HomeChump / 09/28/2016 at 1:49am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

by Rowaelin16 / 09/22/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

by ilovepancakes / 09/19/2016 at 8:29pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, it was my 21st birthday and I invited a handful of my best friends over. They all stood me up and I drank alone in my apartment. Happy birthday to me. FML

by Aeare_ / 09/17/2016 at 12:15am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

by harambae / 09/11/2016 at 1:10pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of a bra he claimed I left at his house. I know every single bra I own, and it wasn't one of them, or so I thought. Only after I broke up with him did I remember I lost that bra two months ago. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, at my new job, I realized I have been spending too much time with just my cat. As I passed some coworkers in the hall, I nodded and gave them the "slow blink of trust" that is used with cats. FML

by CoA / 09/06/2016 at 7:40am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I went to work early and saw my crush's car in the parking lot, so I parked next to her. After that, I looked over at her car to see her staring at me with a weird look and her saying, "Really?" Then she gestured around the lot; I looked around to find it completely empty. FML

by Asshole Parker / 09/06/2016 at 7:01am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I helped my orchestra teacher out and played with a double quartet for a faculty meeting. When it came time to introduce us, he called out the names of the seven other students and then admitted in front of everyone that he'd forgotten my name. I've been one of his top students for 3 years. FML

by theinfiniteend / 08/24/2016 at 7:59pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.