FMLs submitted from Georgia

Today, I was hosting my daughter's thirteenth birthday party. One parent decided to stay at my house, the only parent to do so. The entire night she critiqued every decision I made, from the films to the cake. When it was time to open presents, her kid was the only one without one. FML

by madbirthdaymomma / 05/15/2014 at 11:15pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, I went to a restaurant with my friend, where my credit card got denied in front of everyone. The staff teased me and made me sit in the restaurant while my friend begged for money outside. FML

by Harry / 05/13/2014 at 6:37pm / United States (Georgia) / Money

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

by melmel / 05/05/2014 at 1:07am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2014 at 7:36am / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter". I'm a guy. FML

by CurtisWogan / 03/12/2014 at 6:23pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, we had a surprise party for my boss. Someone turned out all the lights. I was so scared of the dark, the first thing my boss saw when he walked in was all my co-workers watching me scream, "TURN IT ON!" FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2014 at 11:47am / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

by Stuck / 02/12/2014 at 1:25pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

by blushingbride / 02/09/2014 at 4:59pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

by grandma / 02/08/2014 at 10:12am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, me and my boyfriend were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cock blocked me. FML

by CatBlock / 01/31/2014 at 1:16am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

by just the tip, though / 01/28/2014 at 12:06pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working to rectify that. As I was seconds away from coming, my dad loudly knocked on the door and demanded to know how much longer I was going to take. Probably another 3 months now, dad. FML

by sally / 01/25/2014 at 12:42pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML

by peepeepainter / 01/06/2014 at 9:25pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids