FMLs submitted from Georgia

Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2010 at 9:36pm / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

by jessefonsexy. / 12/07/2010 at 6:08am / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

by reesemaster / 11/22/2010 at 7:18pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was running the track at my school. My crush of two years was running in front of me, so I decided to catch up and finally talk to her. When I caught up, the only thing I could think to say was, "What's your name?" even though I already knew. She replied, "Natalie". Her name is Melissa. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2010 at 7:49pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2010 at 4:34am / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, while at a restaurant with my boyfriend, a piece of ice got stuck in my throat. I couldn't get his attention until after it melted because he was busy checking in on foursquare. When he finally noticed my freaking out and I told him what had happened, he laughed. FML

by Samipearl / 11/12/2010 at 9:06am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML

by Anonymous / 11/11/2010 at 7:41pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

by scratchpost / 10/28/2010 at 8:07am / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

by Victoria / 10/21/2010 at 2:10pm / United States (Georgia) / Transportation

Today, I was supposed to present a speech on diabetes. The girl who went first chose the same subject, knowing I'm diabetic and that it was my topic. I went last, so I had to change half of my speech on the spot. I sounded ignorant about my own illness. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 9:03am / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 12:22pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, I came home from a four day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she has been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

by JLD / 10/11/2010 at 12:34am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

by June / 10/05/2010 at 12:47am / United States (Georgia) / Love