FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, my co-worker threw a rubber mallet at my face, and I broke my finger in the process of saving my face. She then told me to "take it up with HR, bitch". She's the HR manager. FML

by spreadburger / 11/20/2014 at 7:29pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I heard my mother say, "I feel bad for any girl that marries him because he's, what's the word? Metrosexual!" To my girlfriend. About me. FML

by UnchainedGaruda / 11/17/2014 at 10:29am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

by boo / 11/16/2014 at 10:07pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he triumphantly flung the condom to the ceiling, only to have it come down and smack me in the face. FML

by omgdesdes / 11/15/2014 at 8:29pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

by That_Indian_Guy / 11/15/2014 at 8:25am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2014 at 3:36pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

by CatLover / 11/06/2014 at 1:30pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2014 at 7:15am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML

by wow / 11/02/2014 at 10:23am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML

by That Guy / 11/01/2014 at 8:58am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2014 at 10:53pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

by max / 10/23/2014 at 7:30pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I volunteered to tutor a 17-year-old girl in science. I had to explain in detail of what the real Big Bang theory was, as she only knew about the show. Later, I heard I was reported by her because apparently, "I was trying to convert her to Scientology." I now know why she needed a tutor. FML

by sushipanda9 / 10/20/2014 at 8:07pm / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.