FMLs submitted from Connecticut

Today, my toddler found my daughter's recorder from 3rd grade and figured out how to play the highest pitch note. Of course, my daughter pulls out her trombone to have a jam session. And I'm out of ibuprofen. FML

by missmom83 / 04/24/2014 at 11:28am / United States (Connecticut) / Kids

Today, my professor ran half a mile in the pouring rain just to return my cell phone, which I had left behind in lecture. Shocked and embarrassed, I exclaimed, "You shouldn't have!" "Damn right," he responded, "I'm 64 years old." FML

by sad but true. / 04/15/2014 at 7:18pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, I realized how boring and sexually deprived my life is when I found a gas station ten cents cheaper than the one I usually use. It gave me both an asthma attack and an erection, simultaneously. FML

by the long distance guy / 04/08/2014 at 3:56am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom brought her sleazy boyfriend home. He took one look at me, swatted my ass, and said, "It runs in the family." My mom just laughed and winked at me, and mouthed, "He's a keeper!" FML

by wiona / 04/03/2014 at 1:22pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, my live-in mother-in-law brazenly swiped most of the money from my wallet, then walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. The worst thing is that my wife believes anything she says, so I can't do a damn thing about it. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2014 at 12:11pm / United States (Connecticut) / Money

Today, as a priest's helper in church, I was giving Communion. It took me three people to realize that every time I was giving them the Eucharist, I was saying, "May the force be with you". FML

by sabz21 / 01/26/2014 at 11:37pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML

by lk mm, n vwls / 01/10/2014 at 8:20pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2014 at 12:47pm / United States (Connecticut) / Money

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

by blackcarnation / 12/22/2013 at 4:56pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

by 00bsg / 12/21/2013 at 10:46am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandkids went around my house claiming items to inherit. FML

by blah! / 12/08/2013 at 8:19am / United States (Connecticut) / Kids

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

by jsyn / 11/09/2013 at 6:27pm / United States (Connecticut) / Money

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2013 at 2:19am / United States (Connecticut) / Work