FMLs submitted from Connecticut

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

by User06606 / 09/29/2009 at 7:31am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

by issy / 09/21/2009 at 1:31am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

by dreamdude / 09/20/2009 at 9:21am / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, after spending 20 minutes every day working on my abs for the last month and feeling pretty good about how they were looking, I received the first comment about them. A girl poked them and said 'squish'. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2009 at 10:51am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML

by CollegeFreshman / 09/11/2009 at 12:20am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

by JuicyJohn / 09/08/2009 at 9:33pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up, took a shower, made some pasta, drank 3 glasses of water and brushed my teeth. I then left my apartment to see signs posted all over warning us not to use the water without boiling it because the water company just found E-coli in the water. FML

by UhOhhhh / 09/08/2009 at 1:29pm / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

by BadassNinja / 09/05/2009 at 12:22pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my girlfriend that her mom doesn't give us any privacy when we're at their place. I suggested that we go to my place for a change, and she agreed. Her mom called my house three times to see what we were doing. We're well beyond teenagers. FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2009 at 1:56am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2009 at 3:28pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

by Anonymous / 08/21/2009 at 10:20am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom and dad were arguing. It started getting really heated, so I tried to go break it up. But within a couple of minutes, my mom wanted to make a statement by throwing a plate to the ground, forgetting I was beside her. I now have a throbbing foot with shards of glass in it. FML

by Sadasian / 08/14/2009 at 2:19am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

by maidmyday / 08/12/2009 at 10:25am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous