FMLs submitted from Colorado

Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2015 at 8:58am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my sister and I got stuck in an airport elevator. We were separated from our friends, missed our flight and had to walk two hours to find our gate. On the bright side, we ended up having a pleasant talk with an Air Marshal on why we were "stalking people". FML

by random / 01/08/2015 at 12:24am / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

by giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock / 12/19/2014 at 6:14pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

by BedazzledAlpaca / 12/08/2014 at 12:03am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in the middle of a shower, and downstairs I heard my 7 year old daughter screaming "Mom!! Help! I need you right now!" I panicked and ran downstairs, not giving myself enough time to put some clothing on. It was my neighbor at the door. FML

by ozozl / 11/06/2014 at 11:29pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

by Bad Dad / 10/19/2014 at 11:48pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

by xRyu / 10/08/2014 at 8:30pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML

by runsinthefamily / 10/04/2014 at 12:31pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a solid month of hard work, I finally finished modeling and animating a 3D insect character for a scene. After presenting it to the rest of my team, one of my teammates pointed out that it looks exactly like a flying penis. FML

by Anonymous / 09/23/2014 at 5:12pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I watched with mild confusion as a piece of paper tucked underneath my windshield wiper flapped around on the highway. What could it be? Surely not a parking ticket. Powerless, I watched it fly away. It must have been the insurance information for the person who swiped the back of my car. FML

by lil_breezy / 09/11/2014 at 3:01pm / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

by Itchy Missy / 09/09/2014 at 11:38pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my boss threatened to write me up, after I made a slightly rude joke about a coworker everyone hates. A while later, a colleague told me the same joke. Turns out my boss had gone around telling it to everyone else and taking all the credit. FML

by jalisc512 / 08/21/2014 at 4:16pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I attended a family gathering. My cousin's new baby was being passed around. By way of politely declining to hold it, I meant to say that I looked forward to getting to know it better once it could talk. What I blurted out instead was, "I can't wait until it resembles a human being." FML

by marcranger / 08/11/2014 at 7:40pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.