FMLs submitted from Colorado

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

by fml / 02/20/2015 at 9:54pm / United States (Colorado) / Animals

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

by D: / 02/19/2015 at 3:45pm / United States (Colorado) / Money

Today, while skiing down a steep mountain, a man ran over my skis, causing me to fall and roll down the slope. When I regained my balance, I saw the man had followed me just to say "How graceful" and continue on. FML

by jostertoaster12 / 02/13/2015 at 3:31pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2015 at 11:36am / United States (Colorado) / Money

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

by Anonymous / 02/07/2015 at 4:09am / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2015 at 9:50pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2015 at 8:58am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my sister and I got stuck in an airport elevator. We were separated from our friends, missed our flight and had to walk two hours to find our gate. On the bright side, we ended up having a pleasant talk with an Air Marshal on why we were "stalking people". FML

by random / 01/08/2015 at 12:24am / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

by giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock / 12/19/2014 at 6:14pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

by BedazzledAlpaca / 12/08/2014 at 12:03am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in the middle of a shower, and downstairs I heard my 7 year old daughter screaming "Mom!! Help! I need you right now!" I panicked and ran downstairs, not giving myself enough time to put some clothing on. It was my neighbor at the door. FML

by ozozl / 11/06/2014 at 11:29pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

by Bad Dad / 10/19/2014 at 11:48pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

by xRyu / 10/08/2014 at 8:30pm / United States (Colorado) / Work