FMLs submitted from Colorado

Today, my little cousin told me about how he never wipes his ass, because if he doesn't he doesn't need to wash his hands. FML

by 1meme129 / 02/24/2016 at 9:12am / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I got a new skin cream for my acne. I tested it on a small patch of skin just to make sure I wasn't allergic. I was, and the reaction didn't stay on that small patch of skin. My left arm is now almost entirely covered in a horrible rash. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2016 at 3:36pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I found out my doctor misdiagnosed my kidney stones as constipation. Now, I'm shitting like crazy from the laxatives that he gave me, and I also have to pass a kidney stone. FML

by madisonnnnnn / 02/12/2016 at 8:38pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2016 at 1:40am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

by TabbyCat87 / 01/12/2016 at 7:16pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2016 at 10:44am / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, a guy for whom I did a design job told me he would only be able to pay me in 3 weeks. I told him that it was OK, as long as I didn't have to follow him around to collect my money. "Don't worry, I know the feeling," he said, "I used to run an illegal business." FML

by Lala / 12/08/2015 at 3:30am / United States (Colorado) / Money

Today, I learned that the only way for me to have a complete bowel movement is to blow my nose at the same time. However, I learned this while standing in my girlfriend's kitchen. FML

by achoo-plop / 11/29/2015 at 8:17pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I went to see a movie with a seemingly nice guy after a friend set us up. As soon as the movie started, he unzipped his pants and told me to "get to it". FML

by strawberry / 11/17/2015 at 12:51pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I told my crush that I liked her a lot. She told me not to message her when I'm drunk. FML

by FreeTacos_ / 10/28/2015 at 1:23am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I was unfortunate enough to discover what happens when you vomit mid-drink at a water fountain. FML

by itsplashedeverywhere / 10/27/2015 at 2:59pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2015 at 12:41pm / United States (Colorado) / Animals

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

by why / 10/11/2015 at 10:07pm / United States (Colorado) / Work