FMLs submitted from Colorado

Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2012 at 3:09pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

by HellisLikeTheDMV / 07/13/2012 at 11:19am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a raise at work. It will bring my hourly wage to about a cent more per hour. Our CEO just reported record-breaking profits for the year. FML

by Anonymous / 07/04/2012 at 12:41pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I was going through a hard and painful break up after a long relationship. Trying to get over it, I invited my two best friends over to lift my spirits. The night ended with them making out on my bed as I sat alone in the other room. FML

by anonymous / 06/30/2012 at 2:26am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

by Christina / 06/29/2012 at 1:31am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I had a wet dream in the middle of an 8-hour-long airplane flight. FML

by Uncomfy / 06/22/2012 at 7:01pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a restaurant in front of a lot of people. Once I said yes, some guy yelled out, "SEX. SEX. SEX." My boyfriend yelled back, "LATER!" FML

by BooBabe / 06/04/2012 at 7:50pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

by Karmaisabitch / 05/18/2012 at 2:07am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told I need two root canals. This is because my previous dentist did such a bad job on one of my teeth that the decay went through and transferred to its neighbor. FML

by GrinningCynic / 05/14/2012 at 1:55pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

by sneezeattack / 05/14/2012 at 1:27am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been paying her half of the rent by taking my ATM card and getting money from my account. FML

by humbug / 05/13/2012 at 9:08am / United States (Colorado) / Money

Today, as I pulled to a halt at a stop sign, a cyclist ripped through the air, slammed straight into my fender, and almost launched over my car. I ended up being cited for reckless driving. FML

by Anonymous / 05/09/2012 at 2:50pm / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, I was petting my cat and I jokingly said out loud, "Oh, the pussy likes it rough? You like that, don't you?" My windows were open and I could hear the neighbors laughing. FML

by anonymous4991 / 05/03/2012 at 8:39pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.