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FMLs submitted from California

Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML

#21158187
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42130) - you deserved it (3616)

On 05/31/2014 at 12:39pm - health - by half-dead in CA (man) - United States (California)

Today, I'm babysitting two 6 year old kids. One of them won't stop screaming, and the other kid found his mom's vibrator and won't stop playing spaceship with it. The parents will be home in an hour. FML

#21157917
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40343) - you deserved it (4906)

On 05/31/2014 at 2:40am - kids - by moomanjohnny - United States (California)

Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

#21154891
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45057) - you deserved it (3365)

On 05/28/2014 at 5:07pm - misc - by chubbs - United States (California)

Today, I learned that my daughter was looking for love in all the wrong places, specifically the county jail. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML

#21152151
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46224) - you deserved it (6392)

On 05/26/2014 at 11:53am - love - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room". FML

#21151774
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41534) - you deserved it (4108)

On 05/25/2014 at 11:52pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Turns out that bouncers don't think it's a problem for girls to go up on stage and make out with the musicians. FML

#21151747
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43766) - you deserved it (5344)

On 05/25/2014 at 11:34pm - misc - by Anothermoose - United States (California)

Today, I saw the script for the end of year assembly skit I'm forced to participate in. Looks like on my last day of high school, I'll be running around in a rainbow unicorn costume in front of my entire high school and their parents. FML

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say "nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. Took me three months to figure that out. FML

#21145130
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33897) - you deserved it (52981)

On 05/19/2014 at 1:15pm - love - by clueless - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML

#21144192
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41197) - you deserved it (5057)

On 05/18/2014 at 5:21pm - misc - by motherfuck666 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

#21143037
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47099) - you deserved it (5239)

On 05/17/2014 at 3:33pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I was taking a piss, when a mosquito came out of nowhere and headed straight for my dick. In my startled attempt to ward it away, I pissed all over everything, including myself. FML

#21142253
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39305) - you deserved it (13494)

On 05/16/2014 at 8:33pm - misc - by pissed off (man) - United States (California)

Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something I could've lived a long and happy life without seeing. FML

#21141912
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51087) - you deserved it (4987)

On 05/16/2014 at 3:26pm - intimacy - by fuck florida (man) - United States (California)



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