FMLs submitted from California

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

by evenmybodyhatesme / 05/15/2016 at 2:47am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

by Workplace woes / 05/12/2016 at 1:00pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, a twelve year-old girl was better at calming down my six month-old baby on the bus than me. FML

by stop_crying / 05/11/2016 at 2:55pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, the elderly lady I work for got mad at me, all because I wouldn't feed her imaginary friend. FML

by LoveTheElder / 05/10/2016 at 9:38pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick up a few things from the store for him while he was at work. After picking up everything he asked for, I wasn't left with much money so I used $50 from my account. When he got home he then grumbled about me spending all of "his" money. FML

by dessy / 05/09/2016 at 5:37pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

by Anonymous / 05/09/2016 at 4:44pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my husband was going to let me sleep in for Mother's Day. That would have been great, if my brother didn't call me at 5:30 in the morning to say Happy Mother's Day. Now I'm up like any other day. FML

by SleepyMommy / 05/08/2016 at 1:05pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

by dumbfounded / 05/08/2016 at 8:14am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I tried to fix my wife's brakes and change her oil before I worked on my truck. Seven hours later both vehicles are unusable. FML

Today, I'm getting a medical scan, so I had to drink a barium shake for breakfast. It was so disgusting that I puked it back up. Now I have to drink another one. FML

by 1942Ford / 05/07/2016 at 10:08am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2016 at 9:40pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML

by kill me / 05/06/2016 at 8:58pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I made a new friend at my college campus, which was great, until I added him on Facebook and he started liking posts from 3 years ago, asking if he could be my "dirty little secret" because he knows that I have a boyfriend. FML

by creeper-status / 05/05/2016 at 1:37pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous