FMLs submitted from California

Today, I mistook a tree in my back yard as an intruder and called the police. FML

by SexxiKitty / 12/19/2015 at 5:45pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I complained about period cramps. My boyfriend said periods can't be that bad since "girls must orgasm every time they put a tampon in." FML

by periods / 12/18/2015 at 11:37am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2015 at 6:40am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I finished polishing a song I was working on for my girlfriend. The next words out of her mouth when we next spoke: "I want to break up." FML

by HobblinGoblin / 12/18/2015 at 1:34am / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my grandma was sent to the hospital so I called out of work. My bosses told me that if I didn't come in I would be fired. I did so, only to find out they needed me there so I could close the restaurant while they left early to go to a party. FML

by CLupo / 12/17/2015 at 12:06am / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that rats have made my car their new home. I haven't even finished paying it off yet. FML

by InfestedCarOwner / 12/14/2015 at 9:16pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend tells me she missed her period this month. I felt excited until she said, "I will let you know the results of the paternity test." I was not aware we needed a paternity test. FML

by Haitwun / 12/14/2015 at 2:29am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML

by BasicallySodaFlavoredWater / 12/13/2015 at 7:15pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my step mom sat me down and told me that she doesn't think that my dad is my biological father because she hasn't gotten pregnant from him. I don't think she quite understands the concept of being a step mom. FML

by anonymous / 12/12/2015 at 3:58pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

by shat / 12/12/2015 at 2:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2015 at 11:54pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2015 at 11:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

by crushed / 12/10/2015 at 7:12pm / United States (California) / Transportation