FMLs submitted from California

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

by KindaLooksLikeCocaine / 09/23/2015 at 7:56pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 5-year-old daughter sobbed inconsolably on my return home from a several-month long deployment to the Middle East. I was touched by her reaction until she blurted out that she wasn't crying because she missed me, but because my shaved head looked scary ugly. FML

by LCDRBrownHercules / 09/21/2015 at 9:44pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend cooked us a romantic dinner using the oven. The oven he recently hid $3,000 in for safekeeping. We essentially just spent thousands of dollars on a casserole. FML

by Lucachoo / 09/21/2015 at 8:35pm / United States (California) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

by ohforchristssake / 09/20/2015 at 10:15pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my wrist. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I am pretty sure mosquito bites are not supposed to start crawling up to your armpit while swelling. FML

by Severus_Snape_ / 09/20/2015 at 3:11am / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I'm travelling across the country with my family. My grandma thought it would be a good idea to take her shoes off. It's been 5 minutes and my eyes are watering from the stench. We still have over 200 miles left until we get home. FML

by Anonymous / 09/19/2015 at 1:24am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my 50-something coworker followed through on his threat to file a defamation lawsuit against me. All because I jokingly said "pedo" after he bragged to everyone that his girlfriend is a smoking hot 19-year-old. FML

by Anownimous / 09/18/2015 at 3:51pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, I tried the 'Casual Encounter' page on Craigslist. Three hours, a bunch of spam, and a 30-minute call to some company, speaking to some lady I could barely understand to recover the $40 somehow charged to my card. I think I might want to try other ways to meet people. FML

by StickyPickles / 09/16/2015 at 10:51pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd patronized for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML

by BlueMacaw / 09/16/2015 at 2:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was signing with my deaf brother at a local McDonald's. We were having a laugh about a game we played last night when this morbidly obese woman waddled over to us. She was utterly convinced we were "talking shit" about her and made a scene about our "hand gestures." Seriously? FML

by Stairs? Noooooo / 09/15/2015 at 6:31pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

by King_of_Cha0s / 09/15/2015 at 2:05pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my boss bragged to a coworker, in front of me, about how much money he saved on a project because he majorly underpays me. My boss is my dad. FML

by trustyourfamily / 09/14/2015 at 6:56pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was walking down a path in the woods behind my house when I saw a squirrel. It ran away, but little did I know it wasn't running from me, it was running from the dog that had forced Animal Control to sweep the area. I ended up with stitches in my leg. FML

by RENThead / 09/13/2015 at 3:02pm / United States (California) / Animals