FMLs submitted from California

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She slapped me in the face, stormed out and won't answer my calls. What the hell? FML

by what did I do? / 10/15/2015 at 3:30pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2015 at 10:29am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2015 at 3:35am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2015 at 11:43am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my brother slapped me across the face with a piece of raw chicken for not liking his Instagram post. FML

by shavednipples / 10/11/2015 at 1:59pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

 Today, while babysitting my nephew, I was looking through a bin of toys, and I saw a fake spider. I picked it up to do a prank with. It wasn't fake. FML

by Scarred4Life / 10/10/2015 at 11:30pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

by kissandcontrol01 / 10/10/2015 at 12:22am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to choke back tears as my cockslap of a brother brutally mocked me for being a 25-year-old loser who's never been kissed by a girl, while at 14 he's already lost his virginity. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2015 at 5:06am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my brother hugged me for the first time. Turns out he was patting me down to make sure I didn't have cigarettes. Love you too, bro. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2015 at 1:20pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

by -_- / 10/07/2015 at 7:29am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

by elcee1987 / 10/06/2015 at 4:42pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

by spiderbaby / 10/06/2015 at 3:43pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

by ouch / 10/05/2015 at 3:20pm / United States (California) / Health