FMLs submitted from California

Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2015 at 2:18am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a 60 year old veteran hit on me by pointing to his white hair and saying: "Just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there isn't a fire down below." Then he told me vets eat free at Cracker Barrel. FML

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

by DontBeRude / 09/28/2015 at 12:05am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

by itsbeenalongday / 09/27/2015 at 12:05pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my 18 year old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

by erphy21 / 09/26/2015 at 4:44pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my shut in of a daughter why she was sniffing black pepper. She said she was practicing to make her sneezes sound like coughs, thereby decreasing the likelihood of someone talking to her. FML

by My Daughter Fails at Life / 09/25/2015 at 9:17pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML

by Thank God I Flush Them Down The Toilet / 09/25/2015 at 9:10pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

by WakeUpToADream / 09/25/2015 at 4:43pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML

by Enanimus / 09/25/2015 at 2:45pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

by Failed_Dad / 09/25/2015 at 1:42am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

by dormlyfe / 09/23/2015 at 10:23pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was waiting in the McDonald's drive-thru and listening to some music. I was tapping my non-driving foot to the song when I accidentally tapped the wrong foot and rear ended the cop car in front of me. Whoops. FML

by stardustveins / 09/23/2015 at 9:14pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

by KindaLooksLikeCocaine / 09/23/2015 at 7:56pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous