FMLs submitted from California

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

by nikko blue / 12/20/2009 at 2:52am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

by VCR / 12/20/2009 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had a surprise test for Economics. While taking the test, I put my head down so I could think. A while later, I awoke to the whole class turning in their test. I had to turn in my test incomplete. No questions answered, just my name, the date, and a pool of drool. FML

by Jrlloyd013 / 12/19/2009 at 5:33pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

by Anon / 12/19/2009 at 11:07am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2009 at 6:53am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I finally came home from a semester of college, and all my parents and sister can talk about is how bad my acne has gotten. FML

by honutattoo / 12/19/2009 at 3:29am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML

by musicyman55 / 12/19/2009 at 2:48am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I spent hours delicately writing out what seemed to be a beautiful poem to my girlfriend. After I sent it to her, I kept eyeing my phone to see her surprised message. No, my only response was "you may want to use a spellcheck." FML

by Poem / 12/18/2009 at 11:29pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML

by mclovin09 / 12/18/2009 at 2:52pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

by WhoaThere / 12/18/2009 at 12:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

by gettingacat / 12/17/2009 at 9:32am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

by AnRom / 12/17/2009 at 4:58am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I found my boyfriend of two years is a wanted man in the state of Texas, and was living under a fake identity for the past three years. What is he wanted for? Rampant identity theft. FML

by Frauded / 12/16/2009 at 8:42pm / United States (California) / Love