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FMLs submitted from California

Today, I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward we went to speak to the old people, just to get to know them a little. The first woman I shake hands with ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML

#13743
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25854) - you deserved it (3665)

On 02/07/2009 at 6:02pm - misc - by ChoirGuy (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML

#13325
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13017) - you deserved it (64237)

On 02/07/2009 at 1:16pm - misc - by name50 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML

#12567
194 comments

I agree, your life sucks (276961) - you deserved it (51738)

On 02/06/2009 at 10:55pm - misc - by hahahehehohohoo (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

#12195
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20860) - you deserved it (26115)

On 02/06/2009 at 6:54pm - misc - by IntimidatorStag (man) - United States (California)

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

#12081
21 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35080) - you deserved it (1988)

On 02/06/2009 at 5:51pm - misc - by Joey (man) - United States (California)

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met at a speed dating event. He recommended the lamb shank, which I ordered without looking at the menu. When the waiter took my order, my date said, "wait, the lamb is $27, why don't you get the chicken". He then ordered the lamb for himself. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

#8816
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47656) - you deserved it (16875)

On 02/04/2009 at 7:58pm - intimacy - by PlayTag (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

#7876
36 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15985) - you deserved it (31025)

On 02/04/2009 at 11:44am - health - by Harejordan (man) - United States (California)

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML

Today, my airline lost my luggage when I flew back from France. They also lost my luggage when I flew to France. FML

#7546
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33685) - you deserved it (1737)

On 02/04/2009 at 8:54am - misc - by Dr. Jack (man) - United States (California)

Today, I realized that I know more about Paris Hilton's cervix than how my government is run. FML

#6894
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6413) - you deserved it (34583)

On 02/03/2009 at 7:11pm - misc - by parishiltonsbff (man) - United States (California)

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

#6850
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15977) - you deserved it (46389)

On 02/03/2009 at 6:47pm - intimacy - by thermos (man) - United States (California)

Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

#6154
27 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7970) - you deserved it (31658)

On 02/03/2009 at 10:25am - misc - by baller12 (man) - United States (California)



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